From the outside, it might have looked like I was doing the right thing. It was early 2019 and I had just started my role at the Archdiocese of Vancouver. The Upper Room Conference was a new initiative coming up for the Diocese and a big day for our team. I was excited to help support the planning for the Conference and the Proclaim Movement itself. But as things internally began to break down, I had to stand back and look at what God was really calling me to.
Over the next few months, as the plans progressed and ideas started to take shape, I could feel excitement building within me. Any meetings I was able to attend were often the highlight of my workday. It was exhilarating being a part of something so big that God was doing in our city.
A big part of the conference was being willing to open your home afterwards to create community and host an Alpha. With three kids at home and one on the way, I was not sure how it would look logistically but I was sure that I could find a way to do it. As I spoke with friends and colleagues and listened to their plans, I knew I had to figure it out and get my family on board.
The day of the conference was an exciting day—there was a tangible buzz at the Vancouver Convention Centre as people filed into the building and everyone was anticipating the amazing program that was in store. Prominent speakers were lined up and ready to deliver an inspiring message. For someone involved in the planning of the day, I was excited to see it come together. I was excited to see what the Holy Spirit had in store.
Externally, things were going well for me that day, but internally, I was a mess.
When I left my home the morning of the conference, I had not left things in a good place. My wife, six and half months pregnant, was feeling tired and unwell. She would be looking after our other three kids, then six, four, and two, for the entire day while I was away. Needless to say, there was some tension as I was leaving.
As I was making my way downtown, I couldn’t help but feel some resentment. Why couldn’t my wife understand how important this day was for me? I had worked so hard to support the planning of this and was so proud of what had been accomplished.
It nagged at me throughout the day and in a room full of people, the one person I kept noticing was the person who wasn’t there.
I enjoyed the speakers and the conference was a huge success, but when I got home I knew there were some difficult conversations that needed to happen.
When I listened to my wife explain her experience of me, not only that day but at various times over the previous few months, I began to understand that as I was experiencing excitement and passion for this new thing in my life, I had taken my eye off what was most important in my life—my relationship with my family.
I began to reflect on my actions and attitudes and came to a few realizations.
First, the idea of hosting a faith study in my home with four kids (one of them a newborn), all under the age of eight, was insane. When I was honest with myself, it was not a call from God for me and my wife in this season of life. Instead, it came from a desire to keep up with my peers, all of whom were in different circumstances. I was letting pride drive me.
Second, in my mind, I was caught up in dreaming about hundreds of people coming through my home where I could love them. As a performance-oriented person, “achieving” a big number is an easy thing to get fixated on. But in prayer, I felt God saying to me, start by loving your five well. I realized that if God wants me to love anyone, it starts at home and then goes out from there. They are the people He has given me to love well and care for and lead. There is an order to this, and God was not asking me to do things out of order by pursuing the masses and ignoring my family.
Finally, I realized that “in the name of the Kingdom” could be a temptation for me to rationalize behaviour.
My primary vocation is as a husband and father and only when I am living that calling will I be asked for more, and not at its expense.
Just like anything in life, comparison can sneak in and poison what is good. In the same way, it can also be easy to try and be the “best” Christian by appearance and outward acts, but when we forget our relationship with Jesus, it becomes empty.
I am constantly checking my motives and asking myself, why am I doing this? It is truly for the Lord? Or is it for appearances or for personal pride? Is everything I’m saying yes to something God is calling me to? Is it hurting my first calling? A lot of times, I have to take a step back and evaluate my situation.
Of course, asking those questions doesn’t always mean saying no. Sometimes it means just orientating our heart again and sometimes, like in my situation, it means stepping away and putting your energy elsewhere.
In life, to make room for something great, we often have to let go of something good. By simplifying my life and focusing on those relationships that matter most in my life, I can grow closer to God. It’s like pruning the vine. We should constantly be evaluating the parts of our lives, even if Kingdom-oriented, to see, is this still where God wants me? If the answer is no, then we need to step away and listen for what He is really asking us for.
By being more intentional about loving my wife and children, I am living out the same call that went out at the Upper Room Conference on that day in 2019 at the most important level: be Jesus to the people around you.
God asks the same of us during Lent. He wants us to let go of things, that might still be good things, in order to gain something greater: Him. As we prepare to celebrate Jesus’ Passion and Resurrection, He wants us to grow in relationship with Him and to do so, we need to look at those areas in our lives that are taking us away from him.
Enjoy the read? Here are our recommendations.
