I’ll never forget the first time I took my daughter to the zoo. Her eyes lit up as she giggled with exuberance, watching the sea otters race back and forth through the tank. She has been intrigued by animals ever since she was small, and now as she begins to move into the preteen years her ambition is to work in animal conservation. And as her mother, I can’t help but wonder what if? Is this a deep part of who she is? Who she will become? What wonderful and creative things will she accomplish?
It’s only natural for parents to hope, dreaming up great dreams for their children. But, the last thing we want is to burden our children with expectations and roles they were never meant to fill.
So where does that leave us as modern day parents? How do we help our kids build a solid understanding of their identity, while also granting them the space to discover who they are apart from us?
Here are 4 ways we can help form a sense of identity in our children.
Speaking words of life and truth over our children.
We begin by looking to the One who created us all, Our Father in heaven. Pointing our children first and foremost to Him, reveals to them who they are. Unique and unrepeatable persons, chosen and loved by the Father. In a society clamoring for their attention, trying to shove them into this box or that, it is imperative our children know Who they belong to. The Father did not carelessly go about knitting them together. Our children were created in His image and likeness, for this specific time and place. They were created with a purpose and mission.
One practical way I try to instill this is by praying a blessing over each of my children. My husband and I usually do this in the evening, right before bed. We take turns speaking words of truth out loud over them. Sometimes I pull from Scripture (I love using Numbers 6:24-26). Other times I will get more specific and point out qualities or virtues I see in them specifically. Things like, “you are patient.” “You are generous.” “You are joyful and bring so much laughter to my life.” “You are an important part of our family.” “You work so diligently in school.”
My hope is that as I repeat these sacred words over them, it will sink deeply into their hearts and minds. So often, the voices our children hear and internalize are critical. Let us make a habit of our words echoing truth and offering a wellspring of encouragement.
Teaching them to listen to what God says about them.
From a young age, I try to encourage my children to develop their own prayer life. The way I approach this depends on their age. Up to about 5 or 6 I like to pray with them. I begin by leading them in a specific prayer and then encourage them to participate, giving space to offer up any intentions they might have. Participation at this age is simple. They usually thank God for a family pet or a favorite toy. Sometimes they surprise me though by offering up their prayers for the health of older family members, etc.
I find this springboards into a deeper conversation about how God cares for our sick great-grandma, but He also cares about you and your concerns. Nothing is too small or big for Him. In a world clamoring to convince us that God is invalid, it is so important that our children understand our dear Father works in their lives, just as He does in Grandma’s life too.
As my kids get older around the age of 7, I begin to lead them into a more interior style of prayer. A space in the rhythm of their days where the Lord can speak to them personally. I begin by finding a quiet moment in the day and ask them to close their eyes. Once the wiggles are out and everyone is settled, I set the scene, asking a few leading questions while leaving gaps of silence for the Holy Spirit to work.
It usually goes something like this:
Imagine the most beautiful, peaceful place you’ve ever seen. Is it inside or outside? Maybe it’s a beach, or a beautiful meadow full of flowers or a grand castle? It can be anywhere you want. (Pause) Suddenly, you see Jesus. He looks at you and smiles. You run over to Him. He gently asks you how you are doing? How was your day? What made you happy or sad? Now quietly in your own heart tell him. (Pause) Now that you have had a chance to tell Jesus about your day, what does He want to say to you? Wait and listen for Him. He will speak. (Pause) Take some time to thank God for meeting you here in prayer. Tell Him how deeply you love Him and that you’ll be back to meet Him again soon. (Pause)
It might feel a little strange at first, but I promise you every child I have ever led in this exercise has loved it. From the middle school students I’ve taught to my own kids, they have all found this type of prayer to be powerful for them.
If this seems a little too intimidating for you, there are many wonderful prayer apps that can help lead you or your children in various types of prayer.
Remember perfection isn’t the goal. The point isn’t so much how we introduce a personal prayer life to our kids, but that we introduce them to it. It indicates to our children that there is someone greater we serve. Someone whose power and love surpasses all understanding. Think of the incredible impression this might leave on their hearts.
Teaching them how they fit into the broader culture.
Once the foundation is laid, our children can rest in the identity the Father has bestowed upon them. This allows freedom as they begin to explore themselves and the wider world. Freedom to develop their unique interests and grow into their God-given talents.
But what happens when the world speaks louder than the truths we’ve tried so earnestly to instill? The day when a peer’s teasing strikes a deeper chord. Or when they come home from school crushed they didn’t make the team.
These are the powerful moments when we can once again speak truth into their lives. We can comfort them by being a soft place to fall when the world is harsh. This isn’t the time to lecture on what they could have done better, or how they might have improved their performance. Our children need to know they are loved REGARDLESS of what they can produce.
A simple way to convey this is by falling back on family rituals and rhythms.
Do a game night, or movie night. Take them out for ice cream. Keep it fun and light-hearted. The goal is to show our children that they are loved because they are His. They are loved because they are ours. They are loved just because they are.
Teaching our kids responsibility to one another.
For our children to gain a firm grasp of their own identity, they must understand their responsibility to each other. After all, humanity does not live in a vacuum. At least we aren’t meant to. Part of understanding our own identity is understanding that we belong to one another. That we are called to serve one another. There is no better place to learn this than in the daily push and pull of family life.
We try to teach this through family chores. Working together to complete a task gently calls our children to look beyond themselves. In order for relationships to work, we all have to bend and stretch, sacrificing for the good of the other. This can also be done through serving together as a family. I know several families who make it a point to regularly serve together at their local soup kitchen or in their parish.
As we learn how to love each other well within the family, our children grow and begin to turn this mentality outward. As they mature more and more opportunities will come for them to use their unique talents at the service of God and others.
Our Loving Father has had a plan in mind for our kids all along. He understands and loves them better than we ever could. And yet despite our shortcomings, the God of Creation allows us to play a significant role in the formation of our children. He has called YOU to these children. He has given you all the knowledge, resources and grace necessary to help guide them into the people He has created them to be. And oh what a sweet calling it is.
